I think this time before I go to bed when I know the phone isn't going to ring, and I know no one is going to yell for me downstairs, and it's unlikely that anyone will be online, and I can sit here, and just be -- is my new favorite part of the day.
I'm snacking on pretzels, also, even though it's 12:56 am.
This weekend was really fun. But really tiring. And I'm left very very sore, with like, a whole huge head full of crazy things going on. I think that sentence basically describes it, since I apparently can't even do so much as to describe it.
I've been wondering when you kiss someone, and you're really good friends with them, and want to keep going, but don't want to, because you're afraid you won't feel anything, or feel too much -- is that a bad thing? Is that something that should be paid attention to? The worry? Or the want to do it? Which should you pay attention to? And which is right? Is there a right?
I have this sinking feeling that I'm not letting myself feel things that I should. Because of distance. And that's weird, because I've always been conscious of this not-paying-attention-to-feelings. This time, I feel like it's a subconscious thing. Like, I don't want to set myself up to be hurt. And don't want to admit that.
I've also been worried about some of my friends lately. Not like, severely worries, just, little things in passing will catch me off guard and I won't react to them, but internally, they'll stick. And then I'll realize later. In the car this weekend, I think I was really sarcastic to Jim when he would think that I didn't see someone with their blinker on or something and when he would jump. And that's a really bitchy thing to do. Because I know he gets nervous in cars, and traveling, etc. and sarcasm is just my guttural reaction. And I find myself not being able to apologize, and in turn, internalize my apology and just let the other person take it for "who I am". Which I don't like. And have to change. Actually, there's a New Year's resolution. Even though I don't do New Year's resolutions for no particular reason, I think I just did.
I'm also, totally babbling and probably sound like I'm wasted, but I just am having trouble thinking of where to start. Which is also, throwing me off. So it's like, being thrown off, squared.
Being in Poughkeepsie, and passing where Ty works, and passing Ty's house, was surprisingly not that painful. In retrospect, like now, when it's quiet, it really bothers me. But at the time, it was okay. And that was all that I needed.
It's strange that the last person that slept in my bed was Jim. But I like it, and it's comforting.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
When you kiss a friend things can never be the same. You've crossed that boundary and the relationship has changed. Your hesitation was a response to the inherent fear of change. It's too late to regret it. Move on and let be what will be. If you don't like what you are then change what you are. Everybody is weak until they preform a strong feat, and only then can they be called strong, there are no naturally strong people. They learned their strength through their actions, be it accidental or otherwise. Actions are your feat. Be strong in your actions and lose your regrets. Time is short. I may be a stranger from the net, but this is the best that I can offer you. I hope you make good use of it.
Post a Comment