Let's drive far far away and not stop 'till we find home.

I think this time before I go to bed when I know the phone isn't going to ring, and I know no one is going to yell for me downstairs, and it's unlikely that anyone will be online, and I can sit here, and just be -- is my new favorite part of the day.

I'm snacking on pretzels, also, even though it's 12:56 am.

This weekend was really fun. But really tiring. And I'm left very very sore, with like, a whole huge head full of crazy things going on. I think that sentence basically describes it, since I apparently can't even do so much as to describe it.

I've been wondering when you kiss someone, and you're really good friends with them, and want to keep going, but don't want to, because you're afraid you won't feel anything, or feel too much -- is that a bad thing? Is that something that should be paid attention to? The worry? Or the want to do it? Which should you pay attention to? And which is right? Is there a right?

I have this sinking feeling that I'm not letting myself feel things that I should. Because of distance. And that's weird, because I've always been conscious of this not-paying-attention-to-feelings. This time, I feel like it's a subconscious thing. Like, I don't want to set myself up to be hurt. And don't want to admit that.

I've also been worried about some of my friends lately. Not like, severely worries, just, little things in passing will catch me off guard and I won't react to them, but internally, they'll stick. And then I'll realize later. In the car this weekend, I think I was really sarcastic to Jim when he would think that I didn't see someone with their blinker on or something and when he would jump. And that's a really bitchy thing to do. Because I know he gets nervous in cars, and traveling, etc. and sarcasm is just my guttural reaction. And I find myself not being able to apologize, and in turn, internalize my apology and just let the other person take it for "who I am". Which I don't like. And have to change. Actually, there's a New Year's resolution. Even though I don't do New Year's resolutions for no particular reason, I think I just did.

I'm also, totally babbling and probably sound like I'm wasted, but I just am having trouble thinking of where to start. Which is also, throwing me off. So it's like, being thrown off, squared.

Being in Poughkeepsie, and passing where Ty works, and passing Ty's house, was surprisingly not that painful. In retrospect, like now, when it's quiet, it really bothers me. But at the time, it was okay. And that was all that I needed.

It's strange that the last person that slept in my bed was Jim. But I like it, and it's comforting.

December 24th, 10pm, Eastern Standard Time.

(( I can't believe a year went by so fast. ))

Ok, so it's twenty after eleven, but I think it's close enough.

Christmas Eve = crazy, crazy, totally unexpected, in the not-so-good-way way. I woke up this morning (after schleping myself out of bed at 9 am to go run some last minute errands with my mom), and she was still on the couch. Sleeping. Not good. This happens all the time, seemingly more frequent than it should? I don't know. It's like, a 24-hour-hardcore-knock-you-on-your-ass bug type thing. It being Christmas Eve and all, totally sucked.

I immediately fell into Mom-role, as such happens when these things do (that makes no sense at all, I'm way too lazy to go back and change it), which included taking care of my grandmother all day, baking, and deciding what to do about Christmas Eve at my other grandmother's house.

None of these things I particularly *mind*, except, the grandmother part. I have regressed in her eyes, when she knows who I am, to an 8 year old child, that has no right to suggest anything to her, even for her own good. Case and point: going into the basement, down the stairs, in the dark. I tell her I'm going to immediately go do what it is she was going to do (usually hang underwear on the clothesline down there), and she runs away, yelling (talking loudly) about how all she wants are "two damn clothespins" and "what is this" and then goes into the bathroom and slams the door. Wonderful. This immediately opens a new set of problems, stemming from the fact that she's fallen multiple times in the bathroom before.

Or like when she slipped past me and got outside this afternoon, and was picking up leaves. At 4 pm. In December. When it's cold. Without a jacket on. The inability for someone who has dymensia (sp? again. lazy.) to connect simple things like the fact that it's freezing out, so you should stay inside, boggles my mind. And the inability to believe anything that you tell them. Even when it's obviously for their own good. She'll literally laugh in your face. It's like an adolescent child. The regression is astonishing.

Needless to say, I had to be around, constantly, all day. So I first made the cheesecake for tomorrow, then made press cookies, then washed the entire kitchen floor since it was filllthy, then decided that there was no way we could go to Grandma's house to celebrate Christmas Eve (ps, I don't think we've ever missed a Christmas Eve, in 23 years) and that I needed to cook dinner. My only reprieve was an 18 minute, rushed trip to the grocery store. Since we had nothing for dinner. It honestly wasn't that bad, and I'm glad to help out, but when your own grandmother gives you that much attitude about something that could prevent her from falling down the stairs and breaking a hip, it's draining.

However, no more complaining. Dinner went over surprisingly well, and my dad got a really nice bottle of wine from Mr. Gerber for Christmas, from Italy. It was, admittedly, WAY better than getting Chinese food like we were originally going to, and everything was under control.

And it's now almost actually Christmas, and even though we had to postpone Christmas Eve until Wednesday, I feel like I'm ready for it to be Christmas. And that sitting here, in my room, with my lights and candle, is enough. Even after today. It's just, enough. And that's...nice.

Katie, will you come true?

I've been on a hardcore Bright Eye's kick for no apparent reason over the last few days...except for their rendition of Blue Christmas, not such a big fan of that.

In other news, it's snowing. Hard. And I have to go get on a bus for 5 hours in about, 2 hours.

I'm excited to go home, but I know I'm going to get there, and immediately want to be back here. I want my friends and family to be close enough to here, but still live here. As in, in this apartment. In a perfect world, this apartment and school would be located in NYC, and I would have the same rent, and that would be amazing.

I was lying in bed last night because I couldn't sleep and there was that really cool glow from the existing snow outside, even though it was just raining at that point, and I this one random moment popped into my head. I honestly can't even remember what it was at this point, but it was something along the lines of a good memory in my apartment, something that had happened weeks ago, and I realized, finally, that I've made a home for myself. And that was nice, because this isn't just somewhere that I sleep, now. It's my home. And having that, is important.

I need to go make sustenance for the incredulously long bus ride, so I don't go crazy.

It's at the total-quiet-that-is-3-pm hour in the office, and I should really be studying, but I'm horribly unmotivated, especially when I have a test to take in 3 hours that 's seventy percent of my final grade. I don't think I've ever been this nonchalant about a test before, especially one that's weighted so heavily; although I don't think I've ever even had a test weighted this heavily before.

I'm literally sitting here and waiting for Rachel/Mo/Tommy or Billy to email me. Thus have become my days. I've finished the numerous projects that I've had piling up, and now are on to a whole new round, but I kind of just want to finish school-work and then tackle the other ones. They're mostly freelance projects/pitches, that I should be able to get done over Christmas break. And if nothing else, will keep me busy at home in the wee hours of 3 am when I can't sleep since that's how I work at home.

I just got an email from my grandmother asking if we could have cornish hens on Christmas. I had to selfishly tell her that they "sketch me out", even though the real reason I don't want them is because Ty and I were supposed to have them for Thanksgiving. And then that never happened. And we were supposed to spend Christmas together, and that won't happen. So both of those things, compounded on one another, would have been a little too much to handle. When one could be easily, but selfishly, avoided.

I'm excited to go home. And drive, and see my friends. Not to sleep though, since my bed at home is like a pile of rocks, and I have trouble getting up every morning because it gives me such a kink in my neck.

I escorted an older lady across two streets the other day, upon her request, and it was utterly surreal since I thought that was the type of thing that only happened in the movies.

I also saw two blind men helping each other get on the T yesterday morning. Oh the reality of the blind leading the blind. It was actually kind of comforting to see something like that.

I really feel like I need to brush my teeth, but that's probably just because I just ate a handful of peanut M&M's.

"Just remember, coffee, water, water. Coffee, water, water. ...and good luck on finals."
_Man at the art store.

Since I've been there the past 3 days in a row, I think they're starting to take a liking to me. He even told me that the 5x5" canvases are 1.29$ instead of the 2.37$ that the 4x6" ones are. Too bad I already started with 4x6".

Monday morning.

I was woken up by a spam text message this morning at 5:04am.

And then had the weirdest dream *ever*. It went something like this:

We were at Marist and there was some sort of natural disaster, that left Marist looking like the back of the Oklahoma City bombing building. Myself and a few other random people survived, and we started living in the train hangers by the river. I was upset because I didn't bring my coat when we evacuated. And then we wanted to play beirut, but we decided to save the Solo cups. And then we found a grocery store amidst all the rubble, and found Billy, Parker and Stevo. Lu was really excited to find those salmon-roll things in the grocery store, and I was really excited to find bridge mix. So we had to pay with a check because we didn't have any cash (why we had a check though, I don't know). And then we got back, and they had cleared out all the rubble and dead bodies (gross?) and we were exploring, and all of a sudden we were in the old Roosevelt School auditorium, and someone was asking me about the lighting system.

Then I was relaxing in my "room", and Sam (my BOSS! ...embarrassing.) and I were having a conversation that went something along these lines:
S: Remember how we were talking about things that we liked before?
A: Yea?
S: Well, I like you.
::insert kiss here::

...this is so weird. But then Sam stands up, and I realize that he's like, 3 feet shorter than he is in real life, and I think of how he's more Tom's height. But then we found Billy, and that became an immediate conflict of interest. And then I woke up.

Ok, so I never remember dreams, and then I have some epic, strange, disjointed saga going on in my head.

There's 15 shopping days till Christmas. I've bought one present. Terrible? Yes. I'm trying to think of something crafty to make that doesn't involve spending money and that I can make a few of, but haven't succeeded thus far.

It's Monday, hailing, and 31 degrees outside. Wonderful.

My boss's mom died, and obvi. whenever someone passes away, you tell them that you're sorry for their loss, but I don't want to bring up anything or make her start crying. So I don't know what to say, and that's a weird thing...

Conclusion of Christmas fiesta.

Being classy wasn't too bad, and I actually wound up quite drunk. I always go to these things expecting to eat something, and then realize that no one else is eating, or that I just pick, and don't really eat. I def. remedied that on Saturday when I made sure to eat before Dethro Christmas party.

I had a terrible headache most of Saturday, walked to Stop and Shop in a total daze, 1/2 not knowing where I was going, 1/2 not even caring. I bought food that's bad for you and came home and ate it because I didn't know what else to do and thought it would make me feel better. It definitely did, but I was in a funk until about 7 pm at work when I think the caffeine kicked in. Funk? Haze? Fog? Something of a combination of those three.

And I'm snacking on Tostitos and tea, even though it's 10:15pm, because I hate going to bed hungry.

20% discount at work is my new favorite thing. I developed pictures today for sooo cheap. And they came out surprisingly well. It was the 2 rolls of film that I had sitting on my dressed since I graduated. And the funny part is, some of the pictures are from last Christmas. That's a *year* ago..isn't' that kind of pathetic? The roll spanned Christmas 2006 to May 2007. You have to kind of tryy to do that.

I can't bring myself to drink a whole cup of tea...I just get tired of it.

I found chewable vitamins at work today, and they're like, chewable grown up vitamins. I thought it was exciting.

The people in the apartment across from me keep turning on their garbage disposal and then turning it off every few minutes. It's kind of creepy how I can piece together what they're doing sometimes from just like, sounds that I can hear. Which makes me nervous because this means they can probably hear me singing terribly when I feel the need to sing and dance around my room like an idiot. Uff.

I'm downloading the original Home Alone and that, also, makes me really excited. Now if I finish before I go to bed, I'll be even happier.

I don't think I'm sending Ty a Christmas card. Again, it's a conundrum. Actually, as soon as I typed that, I realized that I'm not going to.

Christmas fiesta.

The big items to buy at work yesterday were pregnancy tests and Chapstick. Cherry Chapstick, to be exact.

Today I noticed how interesting it was how different people handle their money. And how they present it to you. It seems to tell a lot about a person.

(( I'm trying not to gorge myself on Tostitos, or ghetto Shaw's Tostitos, before this Christmas party, but it's hard because I'm hungry. And don't want to get wasted at the party, which will happen if I don't eat something before I go. ))

I think I would really enjoy some sweatpants, and a wine&coke, and just being able to eat my chips and not worry about being too wasted or hungry. Or would love to have some Chinese food, V4, beirut, and my sweatpants. THAT would be key.

...I don't really feel like being classy tonight? Actually, no, that might be a lie. I enjoy being classy, because it's so not what I'm used to, it puts me out of my element, and I think that's a good thing...

Obviously I have nothing else better to do right now...

So I've been having these intense waves of nostalgia lately, from the oddest things.

I made oatmeal yesterday morning, on the stove, and remembered watching my mom make me oatmeal when I was really little, and then me putting butter on it and eating the little crust that forms on the top first.

I was in the bathroom today, drying my hands, and looking out the window, and it was flurrying. I honestly can't even remember what it reminded me of, but it was something that, for a few seconds, was so vivid, I didn't feel like I was standing where I was.

I kind of like it, it makes me remember small snippets of my life that I've seemingly forgot about.

Tuesday Morning.

"Michael Boston" came into work yesterday...as in, the Michael that Amy and I met at Our House and who thought I was on coke, and he was returning a coffee maker that had apparently "exploded". And then he bought Swedish Fish, insoles, and Rock Star energy drinks. And was dropping his money all over the place, and kept pulling his hat down over his ears like he did at Our House. HOWever, he completely didn't recognize me, which was totally what I was going for. Kind of hilarious.

It's 23 degrees out, but apparently it feels like 14. Uff. My coffee was instantaneously iced coffee the second I walked out of the house this morning.

I have no food, so I had to make tuna fish for lunch using the ends of a loaf of bread. Gross.

Also almost wore ballet flats today, and then looked outside and it looked like the next Ice Age was coming, so I promptly decided to change. Also, walking down my street is like, taking your life in your hands. Especially when there's a computer in your backpack, since falling would be disastrous. It's impossible to walk on the sidewalks, which are laden with a thin sheet of ice, so one has to saunter down the middle of the street. Where there are cars parked on both sides, which makes the chance of not being seen by an oncoming car, all that much greater.

"Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak, love music, and remember that you come from a long line of truthseekers, lovers and warriors."

_Taken from the back of the bathroom stall door.

Musings.

It's Monday morning, I just got to work, it's sleeting out, and I need to take a mental break and finish my coffee before I do the work that I don't really have to do since I think I'm pretty much on top of everything.

#1: On Thursday (I might be dating myself, here), there was a man next to me on the T platform, at 1045 am, with a nip of Bacardi rum in his hand. Mind you, his hands were gargantuan, so it was basically hidden, but I totally noticed it when he started sipping from his hand. He wasn't scheevy (sp?) or sketchy or anything, just a man, with a nip, at 1045 am, waiting for the T.


#2: I feel like a jerk because I didn't call this guy back about freelance. It was for a logo design for a realty company, and I honestly just like, didn't call him. I NEVER do that, and feel like such a scumbag. This is totally going to come around in some karma-esque way, too.

#3: We had Thanksgiving dinner at Dethro's last night, and it was really nice. We're talking, hardcore Thanksgiving dinner -- stuffing, 15 lb. turkey, wine, green bean casserole (which was totally a first for me!), and Konstantine even brought cheesecake. It's nice to pseudo have a group of friends, it's comforting. Especially when they're like, nice people. I hate using the word "nice", but it's applicable, so I think it's acceptable?

#4: I was woken up Sunday morning to the buzzing of my buzzer, which yielded a cop at my door. He had, in his hand, my paycheck, that I had dropped out of my pocket (stupidly) on Friday, en route to the bank. Turns out, he had arrested some "dirt bag" (as he so eloquently put it) for fraud check cashing/manufacturing, and my check was in his pocket. The cop didn't believe the dude when he said that he just found it on the street, and when I affirmed that was true, he was genuinely surprised. Talk about crying wolf...

#5: After the T that I was on decided that it was going to run express to BU Central and announced that there was another train right behind it, as I was waiting, I hear someone yelling across the street. I turn around, after listening to it and ignoring it for about 4 seconds, and the girl was trying to get the attention of the girl next to me. I tap her, point her in the right direction, and the girl at Dunks is yelling, "YOU FORGOT YOUR COFFEE!" And the Dunks employee was flailing her arms, as if that was going to get this poor girls attention.

They both totally saw the absolute necessity and important of Monday morning coffee, and I found it really amusing.

The best part was, after I alerted the poor coffee-less girl, she just goes, "Ohhh, life." Just like we used to do all the time at school when like, life was just crazy.

#6: This Monday morning isn't so bad.

#7: When I got home from Thanksgiving dinner last night, I rummaged around and tried on what I'm wearing to respective Christmas parties this weekend. Am honestly excited that I can wear the same outfit to both since their 2 different groups of people. Am missing Sarah's on Saturday because I have to work and then can go to Ro's for a substantial amount of time. And am hanging out with Sarah and Co. on Friday night at Alston's.

Midnight, 53.

I ordered a vodka and tonic at a really swanky bar tonight.

I met Ro and Curley and Konstantine and Katie and Beth at Jury's, and I paid 25$ for a beer, chicken fingers (since it was uh, 6:00 pm), and a vodka and tonic. Because, when I got there, everyone was drinking martini's or vodka & ____'s of sorts. And honestly, if I wanted to have any sort of fun, I needed to drink something that wasn't a beer.

I miss drinking before going out with my friends, and then just being silly and having fun when out.

It was honestly, so weird. Like, it was nice to be at a classy place, but seriously, I don't have that money.

And then, we went back to Curley's and played beirut. Which was, awesome. Like, so much fun. There was just one of those moments where you pause, and you realize that everyone is having a really good time, and you're happy, because you're a part of it. But then Curley got really drunk really fast, and Beth wanted to go to White Horse, so we had to take a CAB. A CAB. Granted, it was only 4$ each, but that's 4$ that I don't have to spare. I have to pay RENT tomorrow. But I can't pretend like it's that important, because like, ugh. It's not *that* important to any of them.

And then at White Horse, I was the one closest to the bar, so *obvi* I'm not going to only order myself a drink when Ro and Jane are standing behind me. So I get them each what they wanted, but then like, obvi, I didn't get it back. Ugh. It just sucks, not because I care, but because I need to save every little penny of what I can.

I friended Chris Curcio on Facebook, and it was nice to hear from him. Like, first kiss? Important. And Tina said it, she said that it's nice to have some sort of excitement back. And it is. I need *something*.

I just, do. And I hate saying that because I don't like to be the person who depends on someone, but Ty broke my heart. And I know we're not talking about that, but he honestly did. And I need someone to help me forget that. Well, don't NEED, but would like. To drink wine with me. To fucking sit on my bed with me and watch The Office...it's kind of pathetic, and I hate admitting it, but it's true.